Hide and Seek (but mostly seeking)

They say that when you go looking for something,

You won’t find it.

I searched for you but I didn’t see you.

Maybe I was looking on the wrong side that when you were supposed to look into my eyes

You look into somebody else’s.

Maybe because I was not wearing my eye glasses

And it made you blend in with everything I see: A blur

It’s like water color painting only it is bathing in water so

I couldn’t make a figure out of you

Maybe it was on a busy street

I couldn’t make you stand out from the crowd of faceless figures

I couldn’t highlight you enough to make you stand out

So you ended up like the lines in books which killed me

I keep thinking “I’ll highlight you later”

But when I remember, I’m already nth books away and I’ll say “I’ll highlight it again the next time I read it” but I don’t. So you, the quote which sucker punched me squarely in the chest drowned in the sea of words on print in this X book gathering dust in the corner, waiting for me to pick you up.

Until you disappeared. Until I went on looking.

Until I could no longer find you.

Sometimes when I go look for things, it is usually near where I am but I miss it because I am too occupied that I forgot I was looking for it. I know where I left it but when I look for it. It is no longer there.

Like how you were always in the hallways

And I would always pass by.

And maybe I noticed but I kept thinking

He’ll be standing on the same spot tomorrow.

And the next tomorrow

Until the last tomorrow

Until I stopped looking forward to tomorrows

Because you were no longer there.

And you were nowhere to be found.

Maybe,

We used to be in the same space, breathing the same air

If only I walked with my chin up

Not minding my steps

If only I was not such a klutz to mind my steps

If only I had worn my flats instead of the stupid stilettos

If only I were say four inches taller to be able to see past these walls of people’s backs

If only I had studied my lessons the night before

So I wouldn’t have my head buried in a book or in any reading material

If only I spent less time stalking someone in Facebook

And had enough sleep

If only I did what I ought to do then I would’ve notice.

I would’ve seen you and stared at you and repeated the mantra “look this way look this way look this way look this way” oh shit he looked at me

Until you look my way.

I would’ve noticed what the universe was trying to tell me. I would’ve seen you. There was no way I couldn’t.

But I didn’t.  The time I turned around was the exact moment you turned your back on me.

Maybe I already saw you somewhere. We got common friends; we got common people we’re irritated with. We booed the same band. Maybe you hated one of my favorite songs; maybe it was you I overheard saying something I totally found stupid.  We barely knew our world once overlapped. Like two circles in a Venn diagram, that space where our worlds intersect was enough to draw us closer but the timing drew our worlds apart until we became two circles apart.

There were always people to meet, schedules to follow, to do lists to accomplish, tasks to finish,

Places to visit, heartaches to be tended, decisions to be made.

There were always things happening at the same time you were supposed to happen to me.

Like the lost things I am looking for. If only I knew I needed them, I would’ve kept them.

Like you, if only I knew then I would’ve kept you.

I just didn’t know who you will be.

And that time, I just didn’t care.

People say that when you are looking for something

You won’t find it. Try not looking for it, and it will pop up out of nowhere.

It will find you, when you stop looking.

I was zoning out but it was not on the street.

It was busy

There was a crowd

I was meeting everybody

I was wearing my glasses

I was still sleepy

I was busy

But with all the buzz

With all the chaos around me,
I took a moment to step back,

turned around

Looked up and said, 'Hi’

I stopped looking. For a while.

-DBRS

A piece on the one that got away or maybe the one who didn’t even went away because you never had the balls to catch it then. The Maybes and the If Onlys but not in its entirety. An excerpt of a could have been.

Sea

I am afraid of seas.I keep thinking that it's going to drown me.

I have been afraid for a long time that instead of diving directly into the water. I always stay by the shore knowing that whatever waves that touched it, it will eventually go away. It’s always been that way—like waves hitting a shore--- sometimes hitting the shore violently so intense that it will carry you away, sometimes it drowns the shore, sometimes it hits you hard and leave you gasping for air, but there are times when it is calm. It can be any way but none the less, abrupt, sudden like death.

But there are times that I would give in to the urge to go far from the shore, venture into the deeper part of the waters and put my fears behind,  indulge in the feeling of not touching the ground. Floating, dulling my senses and just stay in that moment of peace but even with the safety of the moment, I get uncomfortable.

I’ve been used to the waves in the shore and the occasional floating but with you, I want more and I want it all.

You are the sea to my sunset. No matter how long and how far I am from you, I always end up with you.

I see myself clearly in you that I am starting to rediscover beauty and believe that I am capable of it.   I thought I can no longer be anything but ordinary but the thought of being with you again turns me into all synonyms and pictures of breath taking.

I’ll always end up with you that it makes me look forward to every ending. I know that I could rest and lay down my fears, even in full clothing you can strip me naked but you loved me even in my bareness that I no longer feel afraid. You engulf my entirety slowly that even in your vastness I feel secure, until all resistance fade. Gently tucking me in slowly until  I am drowning beautifully in your depth;  inch by inch and all at once everything I am and I will ever be. When you pull me close to you, when you make us one, you take all of me, not a piece is left behind: every piece that burns which cannot be defied, every heat that in nature kills, every light that is welcomed and blocked. 

 It is with only with you that I want to disappear, so take all of me. In you, I’ll drown willingly.

----

-D.B.R.S, 9 April 2014