Welcome!

I've decided to share my works. My journal is the only one who knows me best. This is my way of baring myself to the world. This blog would be an extension of my journal (I'll try). This is my journey to vulnerability: my openness to and acceptance of the truth.

Just a guide to the contents:

CONVERSATIONS 
These are actual conversations I had with friends, strangers, whoever I talk with who in their own oblivious way/s taught me a lesson. While I was traveling last year, I realize that there will be people who would obliviously utter words which will hit you so hard in the chest and they won't even know it. These may be what you needed to hear to help you in what you're going through, the facts you are running from, or what you fail to realize or to articulate: just like songs expressing what you can't put into words. Thought of sharing them as a way of paying it forward.

WORD VOMIT
These are works which I would recite out loud possibly in front of an audience should I get the courage to do so.

THOUGHTS
Scribbles in my journal, or a friend's work/s which I think is worth sharing.

WORDS IN FORMATION
Poetry

BEAUTIFUL PIECES BY BEAUTIFUL MINDS
Some of my favorite literary pieces.

THOUGHTS CAUGHT ON A SNAPSHOT
Because I believe that pictures can say a lot more than I can even if I try.

Conversations: 1

Friend: Infairrness, mas madali magsulat ngayon. hahahaha di ko lam kung bakit. (In fairness, it's easier to write nowadays. I don't know why.)

Me: Because you're more honest. More open. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable. I think that's why we have to be in our lonely place sometimes, that's when we are vulnerable. And when your barriers are down, the truth sinks in.


... punta ka muna sa lonely place mo (go to your lonely place). Listen to the quiet, reconnect with the world. Baka marinig mo na yung softest whisper na binubulong ng puso mo sayo (maybe you'll finally hear the softest whisper your heart has been trying to tell you.)

The world has an unusual way of sending its message.

Friend: All this time we still yearn for love, no? It's not money, not human being. It's love in all its forms.

Me: Yes. Maybe that's why we love traveling. We are searching for the right place to put our roots down.

Sabi mo nga (you said) we have very busy minds, and maybe that why we miss to hear the essential

-------

even the softest whisper makes a sound if we would open our hearts and listen.

Bad Taste

Don't call me 'sweetie'

it leaves a bitter taste of impression.

of all the taste, that's the one which should not be associated with me.

I can be coffee, in all its bitterness, 

only few could appreciate

sugar can cause a rush

but I got the kicks needed to feel alive:

awakened senses.

Don't call me 'sweetie'

I know that tone: condescending.

when I'm right, tell me.

but not after a long arduous argumentation.

I am putting my best in this battle.

I know I'll win the war.

don't cheat by conceding.

it's not me you're appeasing.

it's your ego you're mending.

and I am far from pleased.

I want a sincere admission of defeat.

Don't call me 'sweetie'

I don't pee honey nor shit gold.

I shit the same shit of worst,

and sweet is not what my discharge should be called.

I am not a taste.

Not even a figure of speech.

I am a person. Literally.

No endearments can change that.

Don't call me 'sweetie'

no endearments please.

I am not a dear.

not to you who calls me 'sweetie'

because it makes me soft and weak in your eyes.

          I am not a 'sweetie'

nor will I ever be.

 -----

D.B.R.S, 17 Feb 2014

The Pin

I'll stop whatever I'm doing at your call
I'll drop the book I'm reading to talk to you.
I stopped being me for a moment
Just to be your idea of me.

You met me. I met you.
It got complicated.

You met me.
I knew you.
It got complicated.

You just met me when
I got to know you.

We're stuck.

You in your bubble. Me in reality.
Two worlds apart.

----
 D.B.R.S
11 Feb 2014. On the long queue for editing.

Hide and Seek (but mostly seeking)

They say that when you go looking for something,

You won’t find it.

I searched for you but I didn’t see you.

Maybe I was looking on the wrong side that when you were supposed to look into my eyes

You look into somebody else’s.

Maybe because I was not wearing my eye glasses

And it made you blend in with everything I see: A blur

It’s like water color painting only it is bathing in water so

I couldn’t make a figure out of you

Maybe it was on a busy street

I couldn’t make you stand out from the crowd of faceless figures

I couldn’t highlight you enough to make you stand out

So you ended up like the lines in books which killed me

I keep thinking “I’ll highlight you later”

But when I remember, I’m already nth books away and I’ll say “I’ll highlight it again the next time I read it” but I don’t. So you, the quote which sucker punched me squarely in the chest drowned in the sea of words on print in this X book gathering dust in the corner, waiting for me to pick you up.

Until you disappeared. Until I went on looking.

Until I could no longer find you.

Sometimes when I go look for things, it is usually near where I am but I miss it because I am too occupied that I forgot I was looking for it. I know where I left it but when I look for it. It is no longer there.

Like how you were always in the hallways

And I would always pass by.

And maybe I noticed but I kept thinking

He’ll be standing on the same spot tomorrow.

And the next tomorrow

Until the last tomorrow

Until I stopped looking forward to tomorrows

Because you were no longer there.

And you were nowhere to be found.

Maybe,

We used to be in the same space, breathing the same air

If only I walked with my chin up

Not minding my steps

If only I was not such a klutz to mind my steps

If only I had worn my flats instead of the stupid stilettos

If only I were say four inches taller to be able to see past these walls of people’s backs

If only I had studied my lessons the night before

So I wouldn’t have my head buried in a book or in any reading material

If only I spent less time stalking someone in Facebook

And had enough sleep

If only I did what I ought to do then I would’ve notice.

I would’ve seen you and stared at you and repeated the mantra “look this way look this way look this way look this way” oh shit he looked at me

Until you look my way.

I would’ve noticed what the universe was trying to tell me. I would’ve seen you. There was no way I couldn’t.

But I didn’t.  The time I turned around was the exact moment you turned your back on me.

Maybe I already saw you somewhere. We got common friends; we got common people we’re irritated with. We booed the same band. Maybe you hated one of my favorite songs; maybe it was you I overheard saying something I totally found stupid.  We barely knew our world once overlapped. Like two circles in a Venn diagram, that space where our worlds intersect was enough to draw us closer but the timing drew our worlds apart until we became two circles apart.

There were always people to meet, schedules to follow, to do lists to accomplish, tasks to finish,

Places to visit, heartaches to be tended, decisions to be made.

There were always things happening at the same time you were supposed to happen to me.

Like the lost things I am looking for. If only I knew I needed them, I would’ve kept them.

Like you, if only I knew then I would’ve kept you.

I just didn’t know who you will be.

And that time, I just didn’t care.

People say that when you are looking for something

You won’t find it. Try not looking for it, and it will pop up out of nowhere.

It will find you, when you stop looking.

I was zoning out but it was not on the street.

It was busy

There was a crowd

I was meeting everybody

I was wearing my glasses

I was still sleepy

I was busy

But with all the buzz

With all the chaos around me,
I took a moment to step back,

turned around

Looked up and said, 'Hi’

I stopped looking. For a while.

-DBRS

A piece on the one that got away or maybe the one who didn’t even went away because you never had the balls to catch it then. The Maybes and the If Onlys but not in its entirety. An excerpt of a could have been.

Sea

I am afraid of seas.I keep thinking that it's going to drown me.

I have been afraid for a long time that instead of diving directly into the water. I always stay by the shore knowing that whatever waves that touched it, it will eventually go away. It’s always been that way—like waves hitting a shore--- sometimes hitting the shore violently so intense that it will carry you away, sometimes it drowns the shore, sometimes it hits you hard and leave you gasping for air, but there are times when it is calm. It can be any way but none the less, abrupt, sudden like death.

But there are times that I would give in to the urge to go far from the shore, venture into the deeper part of the waters and put my fears behind,  indulge in the feeling of not touching the ground. Floating, dulling my senses and just stay in that moment of peace but even with the safety of the moment, I get uncomfortable.

I’ve been used to the waves in the shore and the occasional floating but with you, I want more and I want it all.

You are the sea to my sunset. No matter how long and how far I am from you, I always end up with you.

I see myself clearly in you that I am starting to rediscover beauty and believe that I am capable of it.   I thought I can no longer be anything but ordinary but the thought of being with you again turns me into all synonyms and pictures of breath taking.

I’ll always end up with you that it makes me look forward to every ending. I know that I could rest and lay down my fears, even in full clothing you can strip me naked but you loved me even in my bareness that I no longer feel afraid. You engulf my entirety slowly that even in your vastness I feel secure, until all resistance fade. Gently tucking me in slowly until  I am drowning beautifully in your depth;  inch by inch and all at once everything I am and I will ever be. When you pull me close to you, when you make us one, you take all of me, not a piece is left behind: every piece that burns which cannot be defied, every heat that in nature kills, every light that is welcomed and blocked. 

 It is with only with you that I want to disappear, so take all of me. In you, I’ll drown willingly.

----

-D.B.R.S, 9 April 2014

Lately (That is whenever I check your social networking sites)

If there's a way to contact you at four in the morning, even if it might disturb your beauty rest I'll send you a message. A missive with 160 characters more or less which I probably thought of for hours, days, or weeks, and may or may not be sent.  I can think of a lot of things to say but I don’t know if you will even listen.

If I could send you a message, I would. Be it in a bottle, in a picture, in an envelope or in a song. I will try to be descriptive and poetic. I will put all of my creative juices; force these creative juices to come out for one message. Even if I won't get a response just the thought of you reading what I put so much effort into would be enough to ease my mind.


I won't apologize; I won't even stop even if you ask me to, even if it annoys you. I can be persistent when I want to be and with you I’ll make my face a hundred times more thick that it already is and I’ll just pester you. But you might get annoyed and it will destroy my castles in the air but that's the only way to reach you so I will not stop. I will not apologize.

I want to let you know that your craft holds a huge spot in my heart. It fuels a passion which I continue to suppress because of fear and insecurity. What you do is what I've regretted running away from. What you say never fails to give that glass shattering moment of epiphany that it always leaves me pondering and speechless—well not really speechless because all I get to say is “DAMN!”

You see, it’s not even about your looks, I don’t know who you really are except for the glimpses which you let us see through your work. No, it was not your voice, it was not your corny jokes either or your futile attempt to be funny. Fine, you are funny. But the first time I encountered you, I did not see you, but I heard you. It was what you were saying, the words and the way you say what you were saying which tugged on my heart strings until it made a connection with my brain that I could not stop not knowing more about you and thank God for social networking sites because it feeds me my daily dose of you. Your sites are not updated though but whenever I see you on my news feed; I’ll have this happy feeling that at least I knew something about you.

If there's a way to talk to you about all of this then I would. Just the thought of being able to connect with you gives me so much happiness that I won't even notice if the sun won't shine for hours or days maybe. I can forget about the sun and the heavenly bodies and my fascination for trees if I could only talk to you.

This will be because for the first time in my life I want to say what I feel but the only person I want to talk about you is YOU.


If only there's a way to tell you all of this then I would but sadly, the reality of our circumstances sinks in so I'll just close my eyes and succumb to sleep.

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D.B.R.S 10 Aug 2013, 4:55 a.m(GMT+8) in line for revisions, for a muse so far out of reached but not impossible to be reached.